What’s in a vow?
This past Sunday I preached a message on the importance of our relationship to the church. At the end of the service, I contrasted the idea of a contractual relationship to a covenant relationship. Basically, in a contract I am bound to uphold my part of the agreement as long as the other party upholds what he or she “signed off” to. If one of us fails to meet the terms of the contract, the deal is off and the other person is no longer bound to keep the terms of the contract.
A covenant is an agreement entered into by the taking of vows. When a person makes a vow he is saying “this is what I am going to do in relation to you regardless of your behavior.” This is the sort of relationship we have with church. Rather than looking for the church that “meets my needs” or “upholds their responsibility to me”, I seek God’s direction in finding a church that is honoring Him in message and method, and covenant myself to that body. There may be a time that I need to leave the local church I vowed to be part of, but the reason should be honoring to God and never to seek my selfish desires – no matter good I make those desires appear.
Monday morning, after I preached that message, I had email from one of the members of Mayfield who was present for the service. This member posed a question related to the language of vows and covenants… but in the context of marriage rather the church. This is not surprising. The relationship between Christ and the church is compared to marriage by Paul in Ephesians 5.
Because I believe this is an issue that several Christians today are struggling with, I asked for permission to share the gist of the email (anonymously, of course), and my response on this blog. I know this is a very touchy issue, and I am trying to balance my answer with truth and grace, seated in Scripture. I hope this helps some of you… and I would love hear your thoughts and questions.
Well, here is the email:
You spoke of covenant yesterday. A covenant is defined as a solemn agreement to engage in or refrain from a specified action. It is commonly found in religious contexts, where it refers to sacred agreements…
OK; here is my question: Marriage – we have a covenant towards our spouse “partner”. You said we should honor our covenant regardless of what the other person has done, right? This confuses me a little. So, if there is adultery or someone is in a relationship am I released from my vow? I am confused??? Or are you saying, if the other has gone astray you are to keep your covenant? If so, I think this is where Scripture says, unless you burn with desire you should not take a partner? Something like that???
OK… Don’t be confused. You are on the right track. Jesus stated the importance of the covenant in Matthew 5. Pharisees had the idea that they could divorce their wives on a whim by simply giving her a certificate. It was a very self-focused position: maybe she had gained a little weight, argued with him too many times, was no longer satisfying him… they could just present her with written documentation of dissatisfaction and it was over – no consequences… just an easy divorce and nobody gets hurt. The marriage covenant was treated like a one-sided contract and God’s plan for marriage had lost its value and sacred meaning. In this context, Jesus stepped in and showed where God’s heart was on the matter. (Keep in mind that it is God’s plan that the husband be the protector for the wife, seeking her purity and holiness before God –see Eph 5:25-27.) Listen to Jesus’ words: “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:31–32, ESV)
The idea here was not that Jesus was condemning the divorced woman – in that culture she had very little control over the divorce. He was condemning the hard-hearted actions of the Pharisees who wanted to present themselves justified while they were trampling God’s holy standard for marriage. In Matthew 19, Jesus was approached by a Pharisee asking about this very issue again. “And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?’” (Matthew 19:3) He is struggling with the very idea that he has always understood the marriage covenant to be at his discretion. Perhaps he was in the crowd when Jesus spoke earlier in chapter 5.
Jesus answered him, in the next three verses, by reminding him about God’s plan for marriage. He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Jesus makes it clear that God is not open to divorce; in fact, He hates it (Mal 2:16)! His plan is one man and one woman for a lifetime – period. Marriage is a picture of God’s faithfulness in relationship and divorce distorts the image (not the reality) that He want displayed in marriage.
The Pharisee is confused and blurts out his opposition. “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” (Matthew 19:7) Without doubt, Moses did make that allowance in Deuteronomy 24. But Jesus made it clear that the reason for that was not to serve man but because of man’s sinful, selfish tendencies… and there are consequences to that act. Listen to His response in verses 7-9: “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” The marriage bed is holy (Heb 13:4) as is the covenant of marriage. God never intended for it to be broken.
So, is it ok for someone who is divorced to marry? Well, of course not, because it is not ok to seek to be divorced in the first place. Divorce ruptures a covenant. That is not to say that there is no reconciliation. God is merciful and loving. I have seen God restore marriages and I have seen God build beautiful marriage from the rubble left in the wake of a divorce. Remarriage to another after divorce can be a beautiful – even God-honoring relationship. But we must exercise caution when dealing with His holy standard. I would never counsel a husband or wife to pursue divorce. I would advise, from Scripture, remaining faithful to your vows as long as the other spouse is not remarried or involved in sexual misconduct.
You mentioned about burning with desire. That is from Paul’s writing, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:8–9) Back to Matthew 19, Jesus’ disciples where a little concerned too. The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” They had grasped the importance of marriage and God’s standard regarding the covenant. Jesus to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Matthew 19:10–12, ESV) Without going too deeply into this, a eunuch is a person, usually thought of as a being a man – but that’s not necessarily the case, who has become celibate (no sexual or romantic relations). Some, Jesus said, are born into that; others are made that way because of the choices of others; and some choose that for themselves to honor God. It is better for a man or woman to remain single after a divorce or to seek to be restored to their spouse; but it is not good for a man or woman to be given to the passions of his/her flesh either.
I guess the most important thing is your focus. If anyone is looking for a loophole in God’s law it reveals the hardness of the heart and the sinfulness of our flesh (this doesn’t just apply to divorce and remarriage). If we are seeking God’s Kingdom and His righteousness (Matt 6:33), and desire to honor God in every circumstance and relationship, I believe He has a way of making beauty from ashes – even the ashes of divorce (Isaiah 61:3). I would just be very careful about what I am seeking after.
I hope that makes sense… I love you!
Jerry
